Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
