just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Randomize
