Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Randomize
