Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Randomize
