when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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