I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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