i jhust puked up my retainher.
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
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