totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
