yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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