walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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