What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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