we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
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