I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Randomize
