Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Randomize
