i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
Randomize
