Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
Randomize
