Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
Randomize
