im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
So I think we're almost at the age where we should start calling boys men. Now what age do they start living up to the new title?
Most never. Some around 65.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
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