So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Randomize
