You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
Green mimosas i think yes
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
