Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
Randomize
