i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
