If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
I just found puke in my bra..
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
Randomize
