Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Randomize
