I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Randomize
