So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
Randomize
