someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
Randomize
