Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
