we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
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