How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
Randomize
