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Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Randomize
