Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I will pee on everything he values.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
