This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize
