I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Randomize
