so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
