it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Randomize
