You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Randomize
