On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
