i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
someone threw a dead crab at me
I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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