Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
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