my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
