It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Randomize
