I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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