I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Randomize
