My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Randomize
