i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Randomize
