My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
