Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Randomize
