just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
God I need to hump something, right now.
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Randomize
