If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Randomize
